Joe Biden: I'm educated and I live in Scranton, that's where the Office is set, you guys like the Office right? Vote for me because I'm competent and not a moron and Barrack Obama likes me so you know? Why not?
Sarah Palin: I don't want to answer your questions or argue points that make me look like a crazy fundamentalist Christian... so vote for me because I can't pronounce words correctly.
How about the Gays?
Joe Biden: Gay couples, straight couples... it's all good.
Sarah Palin: I tolerate people who choose to be gay.
Gay Marriage:
War?
Sarah Palin: Obama hates the troops! If we keep fighting we're going to win this and then we can all go to the malt shop and then have a party and everyone will get unwed teenage pregnant!
Joe Biden: We're uh... we're going to end the war.
Sarah Palin: You're a pussy. Surge! Surge! I like it when you disagree and belittle Obama. Our kids are at war and his are doing what? Going to middle school... fucking commies.
Joe Biden: McCain votes against our troops best interests, and he's been completely wrong and uninformed about every aspect of this war. Facts!
Nuclear War? Pakistan? Iran?
Joe Biden: Pakistan's got nuclear weapons. Iran would be dangerous if they had them, but you know who doesn't? Iraq where McCain loves to exploit. We need to build schools in Afghanistan.
Sarah Palin: US generals and Al Queda say Iraq is important, what, you don't trust Al Queda. Iran hates Isreal. Akmadinigad is probably not sane. He can't have nukular weapons. Obama wants to date him probably. He's going to get us all killed with is nukular weapons and wipe our ally off the face of the Earth! Fuck!
Kissinger (asshole war criminal bastard)?
Sarah Palin: I love him. We can't fix the world by talking to people. Freedom comes from being serious and making threats.
Joe Biden: Five secretaries of state and all our allies have been begging us to speak to the nations instead of just bombing them. McCain wants to sanction Spain. Fucking Spain!
Isreal?
Sarah Palin: Let's cut it in half. Worked for South Korea. We need to stop the nazis from creating a Holocaust II. We love Isreal. There's nothing more important than Isreal.
Joe Biden: You love Israel? Fuck you. I love Isreal. We're cool me and Israel. McCain let Hammas and Hezbollah take power in Isreal and Lebanon. Iran is thriving because threats don't work.
So... Isreal?
Sarah Palin: You two can't stop blaming people and getting past partisanship. The Democrats are too partisan. Change is comin'.
Joe Biden: Past is prologue... bitch.
Nuclear Weapons... again...?
Sarah Palin: Nukular weapons are scary. I'd like to add that Afghanistan is also scary and we need to surge in Afghanistan... we need to keep surging! We're not killing civilians like Obama says because he wants to demoralize the troops. We're handing out freedom like popsicles at fat camp.
Joe Biden: The general said the surge wouldn't work... and he's like in charge. And nuclear weapons... Obama fucking hates nuclear weapons. He tried to make laws about that and McCain opposed them.
Sarah Palin: The general didn't say shit. You're stupid.
Joe Biden: Did so. He so did. McCain said Mission Accomplished in Afghanistan... he's stupid.
Intervention in Darfur?
Joe Biden: I wanted to stop Bosnia... and I saved tens of thousands of lives... we ended thousands of years of war. I hate genocide! We need to send helicopters to Darfur!
Sarah Palin: You're a flip-flopper! People want straight talk, I'll say continuing to avoid referencing Darfur in any sense... oh right... umm... yeah, we need to have options... I've helped by living in Alaska. We called for divestment from Sudan... it hasn't happened yet... but we're thinking that'd be neat.
Joe Biden: We need to draw a line! No genocide! No harboring of terrorists! John McCain is a prick. I never liked him. He's stupid and didn't listen to me when I prophesized the future.
Sarah Palin: I disagree! You're a liar. I can't prove it but you're a liar. John McCain is fighting Evil... like Star Wars. John McCain is like Star Wars.
So, if your running mates happen to die?
Joe Biden: I'd do what Barrack wanted to do. I'd save the world.
Sarah Palin: We're mavericks! I'd bring Alaska to Washington. Hockey moms, teenage brides high on meth, and women who have to pay for their own rape kits. Taxes hurt the economy.
Joe Biden: I like to hang out at Home Depot. People at Home Depot think McCain's a prick. Fuck Alaska, Scranton's where it's at.
Sarah Palin: Joe, you ignorant slut. Your wife is great and "her reward is in heaven" (I think this might have been a threat). We need to increase no child left behind. We need to teach our children about history, the young Earth theory, how to ignore evolution, and fighting witches.
What?
Sarah Palin: I also think the VP should have more authority. We need to hug special needs kids more.
Joe Biden: John McCain hates education. As vice president I'd probably be Barrack's go to guy. We'd be buds.
Does the VP belong to any branch solely?
Sarah Palin: Our founding fathers didn't think we'd be stupid enough to not get this, so yeah, I'm gonna be like Cheney and exploit ambiguity for personal gain.
Joe Biden: Cheney is a cock! The constitution defines the vice president as part of the executive branch... it helps if you read it. He has no authority over congress. Fucking cock!
Your Experience?
Sarah Palin: I've had a lot of jobs, like George Bush. But what I bring is my spunky hockey mom, special needs child having, only having a million dollars, America loving down home Reagan loving fighter for America! Plus we're a team! Team USA!
Joe Biden: I think I care too much. I put cops on the streets. I help women. I stop genocide. I've been through some shit. I'm fucking blessed. I own one house. I'm tearing up. People need help.
Sarah Palin: John McCain is criticized by everyone who meets him. And I get shit done. McCain's got friends... like Guiliani (I yelled at him) and Romney... and some other despicable pricks like Lieberman. Republicans and Democrats are equally stupid... John McCain is super.
Joe Biden: All right, fuck it. McCain's a tool. He hasn't done shit and hasn't been a maverick on any issue. He voted against people being able to heat their homes in the winter. Fuck that guy.
Ever Flip-Flop?
Joe Biden: Oh yeah. I used to think judges just had to be smart and capable... eventually I realized, they also have to be not batshit insane. This took time yes, but I stand firmly against crazy people being judges.
Sarah Palin: I should have vetoed more. I should have cut more taxes. And no, I've never compromised ever. I've never changed my mind. And I, me, the greatest governor ever didn't care who got to credit. I love America.
How do you change the tone?
Joe Biden: I think McCain would agree that I've been very good at convincing people to abandon their stupid beliefs. Don't question motives. That's some deep shit.
Sarah Palin: I already did. You don't learn what Democrat or Republican means and appoint people who will wish really hard that things will work themselves out. Or you be like Obama and kill America.
In closing?
Sarah Palin: I like everyone here. I like being able to answer questions without Katie Couric being mean to me. I'm gonna fight for America. I'm proud to be an American, unlike that upity Michelle Obama... whore.... I'm gonna fight for freedom so that one day my children can keep fighting and fighting and the fighting will go on forever.
Joe Biden: Don't fuck this up America. We need to respect ourselves. We need to believe in ourselves and be honest and work hard and accomplish anything. Barrack Obama is great and may God protect our troops.
And then they make out with tongue.
